random thoughts

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-16T21:44:00.000-08:00

I'm in such a funk right now... on one hand i think i should just leave the matters on my mind undealt with and escape via work, exercise, anything that'll fill up my time... taking three jobs at once whuile accepting heavier responsibilities at one of em, doesn't give me time to think, which is kinda good... but on the other hand i guess i should just face it... dun wanna lose my health over it and all cause i know if i face it, i'll end up in my ol' rebellion state of smoking, being all flirtatious and fooling around having fun, which isn't agreeable with where i wanna go with my life... kinda conflicted... dilemma of sorts... i know some of y'all think i overthink things or things could be talked out but the matter wouldn't be resolved still if i just talked about it: at least in my eyes... i'll surely end up doing something stupid (well, not too stupid i hope)... started already by cutting my hair a bogus style... who knows what next...

confessions...

2005-02-24T04:35:00.000-08:00

Dearest Jane,
i can't get over you... you're the one's who's actually been on my mind all the time, and that scares the hell out of me... i never want to hurt you, cause i care for you too much... but it seems that's the only way i'm gonna be able to see you... you mean more to me than any other girl has... and i really wished all that i'm saying was just sweet lies to get you to come back to me, that they dun actually mean a thing... unfortunately for me, i do still love you... i am still the greatest fan of your life...

You give your hand to me

And then you say, "Hello."

And I can hardly speak,

My heart is beating so.

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well.

Well, you don't know me.

No you don't know the one

Who dreams of you at night;

And longs to kiss your lips

And longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend.

That's all I've ever been.

Cause you don't know me.

selamat hari raya aidiladha mulia

2005-01-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

it's another festive season, and i'm back... been a while since i blogged and i almost forgot what a relief it is... been keeping sort of a journal in written form too, mostly memorable quotes and stuff, which works out very cool for me right now... well, i gotta go soon, so i'll update later, yeah? greetings...

Christmas Night...

2004-12-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

it's that time of year again... time when i get an overwhelming sense of longing for snow, a christmas tree, a house illuminated by the warm, soft glow of the fireplace, hot cocoa, carpeted floors and cosying up with my special someone; in front that very same fireplace, sipping on that very same hot cocoa, accompanied by that very same christmas tree, enjoying the sights illuminated by that very same fireplace glow, and snowed in by that very same snow... if it's all the same, i have none of the above, yet somehow i feel guilty for holding on to this long-lasting fantasy of mine cause some may say that it's against my religion... well, if my intention is not to celebrate Christmas, but i still enjoy the things that are often associated with it and admire the spirit of it, do i then sin if my fantasy comes true? i think not, yet i know some who may disapprove: why i bother with what they think remains a mystery to me... another year, the feeling comes and goes, and here i am again... well, all that's lef to do for me now is hope for 2005...

back from the dead

2004-12-17T04:49:00.000-08:00

i realised something... poor use of the english language happens to be a personal pet peeve of mine! just read a blog of this person (ehem) who tries, very hard i might add, to generously sprinkle her compositions with fancy words... let's just say that most of the expressions went quite haywire and out of control... and it just dawned on me: i'm writing on this blog of mine again, and it just happens that i have something to complain about... haha, prob this is why ppl have blogs in the first place, huh? ah well, at least i have a reason to write once again...

on to the other hand of mine (ref: cliche= "on the other hand" ), i discovered a personal turn-on you might call it... just caught "Puteri Gunung Ledang" and i rediscovered the spellbinding charm of the mystic world, especially when i'm aware of it's very real existence. i guess somewhere within me is this history buff who's just too lazy to manifest itself... otherwise, i wouldn't be surprised if by now i'm looking into courses like a degree in History or something... ah, the tv beckons, and unfortunately, it's allure is irresistible, dare i say mystical even... hehe... till e next time...

it's been a hard day's night...

2004-09-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

just felt i needed to get this load off my chest...

(speaking to her) everything i do, in your eyes, requires your "professional" opinion. it's not that your supervision is not uncalled for, and it may even be necessary, but i am an assistant for heaven's sake. assistants ASSIST, so do not expect me to know half of what your job scope requires you to do. if you feel that NS people are underworked or something, by all means bring it up to the govt. you may be surprised how many out there even detest the concept of NS cause it's robbing precious time off of the educational growth. yes, i'm not denying the pro's of NS, i admit it helps us boys learn to mature and wisen up, but, as you would put it, the point is take a chill pill man. pressin me so hard ain't gonna win you no favours, know what i mean. i mean to help you, but you jus don't know the ways you've hurt me. and even worse when you reprimand me for things that in actuality wouldn't have been a problem either. somethings will bear the same results had it been done my way or yours, and in both the operation wouldn't have been compromised by an embarrasing outcome. my performance tardiness is borne out of my daze with the NS i'm serving. i used to have purpose in it, and hoped i'd learn, but now, i jus don't know anymore. bottomline, don't get too edgy all over me jus cause of our situation yeah? it may not be the case, but that's what i feel is going on...

haa............ there, out of my system... hope it stays that way... can get quite frustrating with emotions like these pent up inside of me, and i find soothe in guns & roses... haha... i should probably pop me a few of the chill pills too, and just unwind... haaa....

reflections thus far...

2004-09-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

a sunday spent worrying about work later at night is one not well spent in my point of view. it's even worse when you don't quite like the work now; i guess it's compulsory nature, being NS and all, would make up for the fact that i'm still doing it regardless. but certain working relations have become complicated and work politics sour the experience even more. i know this is meant to be a transition into manhood, and though i mocked this notion pre-NS, i realise that it really is. i have never really worked and get paid for it prior to this vocation of mine, and now i have become more aware of how the real-life working situation is. i guess the transition of manhood involved more of wisening up to the real world ways and some parts of realising what you're actually made of, sort of "puttin-your-money-where-your-mouth-is". i'm not that great after all, and my naivety is now clear to me: not that i can consciously do much about it cause it's become so engrained in my character profile. my gullibility, borne out my relentless and persistent effort not to let go of my youthful zest for life, can be quite sickening at times. ironically, trying to keep this zest for life has taken much out of me and aged me more than i realised. yet, i still refuse to let a few setbacks get in the way of my goals in life; i'm made from stronger stuff, trust me, it's in the genes. yet, after saying all this, what i simply want is to have the simple pleasures in life. i just want to be happy in life, and money is still to me a means to an end, and not an end in itself. i don't admit to know what true love is, guess i'll never really know what it is till i pass away, i figure, cause only then can i truly sort out true love to flings i guess. or will there come a day when i will actually know that "man, this is it! believe it or not, THIS is LOVE!": i can only wonder i guess. still, loving girls, i foresee, will either be my gift or my curse. wonder why my relationships neer last long. most prob it's just me and my flaws, but maybe it's the girls i've ended up with, which comes from the group i mix around with, which boils down to me again, don't it? hehe. it's just me then. it'll be amazing to finally get someone i can appreciate who'll in turn appreciate me back the same way. ramblings of an eighteen year old...

life's oh so sweet...

2004-09-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

life's so much sweeter for us mortals, simply for the exact reason stated so eloquently by Achilles in Troy (the movie); because we're doomed... and it gets better for those who actually live life realising it. for example, chronically/terminally ill patients who somewhat know when their time is coming more often than not manage to see the beauty in the small things in life. put yourself in the shoes of someone who has kidney failure and has to go for dialysis and the works ever so often. being constantly reminded of your illness may take it's toll on people, and the weaker among us may falter; yet it is by this same fact that these people treasure the moments they have left on this temporary portal of earthly pleasures and pains. they may rest in the comfort of death, ironically, where they'll be relieved of all their earthly sorrows, and for those of us who believe in the afterlife, they'll be justly rewarded or punished for their earthly deeds or misdeeds. now that's just another topic on it's own, ain't it? the thing is, "we will never be here again". we can't possibly turn back time (yet), and whatever we do will give birth to it's consequences whether we like it or not. we get no second chance at it. i'm sittin here typin my thoughts away, and i can't do anything about, "hey, i wished i had spent that time doin something else". it's just the way the world works, and that's what exactly makes it all the more sweeter. there is no second chance at it, we just have to roll with how things turn out. worrying about what's not within your control is plain foolish and time wasting, and so is crying over spilt milk. yesterday stays in the past, and the future no one can tell for sure; all we have is today. what difference does it make whether we die today or fifty years from now? will we even remember all the things we missed out on doing when we're alive once we have passed? think about it...

to another new start...

2004-09-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

well, this is it... it's time i started making it or breaking it. i fear if i don't start now, that i'll never get started. i'm not quite sure what i'm going to do, but at least i have a rough idea of a contingency plan for life... i have all these short term goals but what i should be doing is formulating a way to incorporate them into a larger picture, something more long term, know what i mean? yet, there's this one side of me that wants to keep my zest for life e way i did when i was younger. do i have to have everything figured out right now? perhaps e point is not to have things figured out, so that i won't be totally crushed when things don't turn out e way i pictured it to be. yet i feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility in every action of mine these days. perhaps it's maturity creeping into my life, you figure? i'm not sure either, so let's not beat ourselves up over it yeah? let's just hope for the best; i sure will be doing my part...